thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
