Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
