I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I need to stop coming to work sober
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
