The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
she told me i tasted like america
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
