i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
