Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Randomize
