OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
You're like the curious george of whores
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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