totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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