I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
