I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
