she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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