wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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