It's Friday. Sex?
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
