You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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