He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
