I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
