apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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