Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
