You're a womanizer and a bitch.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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