happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
