I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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