I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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