I accidentally had phone sex last night
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
