I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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