He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
