I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
my god I love twenty year old dicks
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Randomize
