Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
As shirtless as possible
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
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