In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
me + whiskey = a bad person
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
