Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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