Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
