I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
