I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
