There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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