I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
