so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
you would pick up someone in the library
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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