his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Liz is crying about burritos again.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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