i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
