Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Randomize
