I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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