I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
