I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
