whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
