not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
