don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize