That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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