I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
