Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
