He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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