dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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