All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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