The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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