I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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