I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
