if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
