so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
